


i've been afraid of changing (i've built my life around you)

by alovelylilt



Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Gen, and here it is, boys are mentioned a lot in this but it's more complicated than that, i have THOUGHT my thoughts on it, it's ALWAYS more complicated than that, let's get into it laid ease, oh yeah also there is some background rini in this, this has been percolating in my mind for a while now, this is nini-centric but she is NOT a bad friend to kourtney :((, yeah so all this discourse around independent women and growth vs regression?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:01:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23779600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alovelylilt/pseuds/alovelylilt
Summary: Nini wants to be independent and true to herself; she wants to be strong and sufficient all by herself; she wants to stand on her own two feet and take on the world just as herself. But god, she wants to be loved, too.---Or: Nini and Kourtney have a heart-to-heart about love, friendship, and the terrible, beautiful intricacies of growing up.
Relationships: Kourtney & Nini Salazar-Roberts, Ricky Bowen/Nini Salazar-Roberts
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	i've been afraid of changing (i've built my life around you)

**Author's Note:**

> so this is a lot of word vomit in terms of thoughts i've had over the years on the relationship between independence, empowerment, love, friendship, and just life in general, all in the context of myself as i've grown up on tumblr feminism in middle school and then later actual feminism (sry tumblr lmao no shade— it's a great place to start in terms of learning, but not reliable enough to be like...... informative) in high school and college, where i am now. all of that, projected onto a conversation between nini and kourtney.
> 
> tl;dr: it's never easy growing up as a girl laid ease :// also this whole piece is kind of a mess and barely thought through but here we are
> 
> also!! just want to clarify that i use she/her pronouns if any of u were wondering!!
> 
> notes for the story:  
> -this is set somewhere between episode 8 and 9, in-universe  
> -the title of this story is from landslide by fleetwood mac!! i listened to the original and covers of it on repeat as i wrote this all in like two hours lol so if u want u can put it on in the background as u read this!  
> -upon reflection i realize that some of this was inspired by jo's speech in little women lol  
> 

They’re hanging out in Nini’s room, with her in her hanging chair and Kourtney sprawled out on the floor, jotting down the most aesthetically pleasing notes Nini’s ever seen as she goes through her U.S. history textbook. Nini’s just been aimlessly plucking strings on her ukulele for an hour, her mind working in overdrive as she thinks about Ashlyn’s words from the Thanksgiving party— “write something for yourself.” That, on top of her application to YAC and the watershed moment she shared with Ricky in the El Ray theater, has occupied all of Nini’s attention for days.

Eventually, she bursts out, “Do I really have to choose?”

Kourtney looks up from her work to quirk an eyebrow at her. “Choose what?”

Nini sighs. “Do I _have_ to choose between being my own person and being in a relationship? Do I _have_ to choose between doing something for myself and doing it for others? I just… I want to be strong, and independant, and my own person, but I want to be good, and kind, and loving, too. God, I’m sorry. I sound like a cliche.”

Kourtney sits up and lets out a long sigh. “Oh, Neens. What’s been making you feel like you have to choose?”

Nini gestures helplessly between the ukulele, herself, Kourtney, and the door to her bedroom, the one that leads to all of the outside world and its various suffocating pressures and razor-thin expectations. She makes a frustrated sound in the back of her throat; she’s thwarted by words she can’t find, yet again.

Kourtney comes over to the hanging chair and pulls Nini out of it, then settles both of them down on her bed, backs against the headboard and shoulders touching. Nini drops her head on Kourtney’s shoulder, comforted by the steady rise and fall of Kourtney’s breaths. Kourtney stays silent, patiently waiting for Nini to gather her thoughts.

Soon enough, Nini opens her mouth again. “You know, Lola said something to me about finding new shores, and Ashlyn said something to me about writing songs for myself, and god, they’re so right and I’m so inspired by them all, but…”

“But?”

“But I almost kissed Ricky that day at the theater, and it felt like all the progress I’ve made towards Nini 2.0 faded away.”

“I never liked Nini 2.0 anyway. I like Nini, just Nini.” Kourtney nudges her shoulder with a smile.

“Just Nini is kind of a doormat, though,” Nini points out.

Kourtney shrugs. “And so what? That doesn’t make you a bad person, Neens. Listen, if you want to stand up for yourself more and be strong and independent and all those things you said, I’m behind you 100% of the way. But don’t do it because you feel like you _have_ to do it. Don’t reinvent yourself into Nini 2.0 because you think people might like her better, or because you think she’s a better person.”

“Isn’t that the whole point of Nini 2.0, though? She doesn’t care what other people think about her. She’s a woman all of her own.” Nini’s gaze turns dreamy and wistful at the idea of this imaginary, ideal person she’s built up in her head. 

Kourtney hums thoughtfully. “It’s not wrong or bad to care what other people think about you, either. You’re just someone who feels deeply for others, Nini. It makes you empathetic. But it also makes you impressionable.”

Nini frowns. “I wish I could just keep the empathy and get rid of the other stuff.”

Kourtney laughs lightly. “You always think you have to choose, Neens. It’s not that simple. Like, this whole thing about kissing Ricky, and all of the work you’ve done on being your own person just goes away? It’s never that simple.”

“It doesn’t feel that simple, either,” Nini admits. “I don’t want to go back to being a doormat, Kourt. And I wouldn’t change any of the past couple of months, even though they kind of sucked, because I feel like I’m growing and learning from it. I don’t go to Ricky first thing when something happens anymore, and maybe that’s a good sign, but god, I still want to.”

“You’re doing it again— that thing where you force yourself to choose. You can be your own person and still be with Ricky, you know.” Kourtney says it so simply, as if she hadn’t just knocked down a fundamental pillar of Nini’s world and flipped it upside down. “Loving someone doesn’t have to make you less of yourself,” she continues. “The only person who has permission to give away pieces of yourself is you, and if you love someone so much that you _want_ to give them a piece of yourself, well, then… you must love them a lot. Plus, you said it yourself— you’re growing. You’ll fill out all the pieces of yourself that you gave away in no time.”

“You don’t think me getting back into a relationship with Ricky would hold me back?” Nini worries her lip between her teeth. “Because, you know, I don’t want it to. And I don’t think it would, honestly! But… what about Nini 2.0? She’s supposed to be self-sufficient, and confident, and cool… _I’m_ supposed to be all of that. Right?”

Kourtney shakes her head. “I’ll just tell you this, Nini. The girl who became my best friend in middle school was Nini, just Nini. The girl I’m best friends with today is also Nini, just Nini. But she isn’t sure if she wants to be Nini 2.0 instead. From what I can see, Nini 2.0 isn’t Nini at all. In fact, I don’t know if Nini 2.0 is even real or attainable. Who can be completely cut off from everyone else and only rely on themselves? That’s a lonely life, if you ask me.”

Nini nods fervently as she sits up on her knees, gesticulating wildly. “Yes, that’s exactly what I mean! God, I want to be so strong and independent. I want to stand by myself and keep my head held high, invincible and untouchable and all those words that sound so powerful… but god, it gets so lonely sometimes.”

“You’ve got me.” Kourtney smiles up at her. “That’s the easy part, isn’t it? Nini 2.0 is allowed to have friends, because even Nini 2.0 needs support. But why isn’t she allowed to have a romantic relationship?” Kourtney sits up on her knees, too, fired up now. “When did we decide that women can only be strong if they’re alone? When did we decide that women have to give up romance in order to be respected?” She’s not just talking about Nini anymore, though Nini’s eyes have grown wide both in admiration for Kourtney’s passion and the intelligence behind her words. “I really hate that,” Kourtney continues. “It’s just not fair. We can grow as people without giving up human connection, you know? And I _know_ people do not give friendship the same energy. Who says you can’t be completely consumed by a friendship? Who says you can’t lose yourself in the pieces you give away to a friend, too?”

When Nini speaks, her voice is small. “Have I been taking away pieces of you, Kourtney?”

Kourtney softens at that, grabbing Nini’s hands in her own as she sits back down. “No, Nini. You’re going through a lot right now, so of course I’m going to be there for you.”

“But what about you? You’re going through stuff, too, and yet I’m here, talking your ear off about stupid boy problems again.”

“When I want to talk about my stuff, we’ll talk about my stuff,” Kourtney says firmly. “I know you’ll be there for me, too, Nini. And your problems aren’t stupid or all about boys, either. Your problems are just your problems, okay?”

Nini nods, drained in every sense of the word. She wraps Kourtney into a sideways hug, pressing into her torso with a deep sigh. “Thanks, Kourt. You’re the absolute best.”

“Oh, I know.” Kourtney sighs, too. “I’m just going to say a couple more things, okay? And then we can watch some blockbuster movie and do facemasks.”

“That sounds like heaven.”

Kourtney laughs. “You just want to see Tom Holland swing from rooftops again.”

“So what if I do?”

“Keep that attitude for all this other stuff, too, Neens.” Kourtney turns pensive again. “No, but seriously… if you want to be with Ricky, then be with Ricky. You don’t have to choose between being in a relationship with yourself and being in a relationship with someone else, not if they’re the right person and they’re someone you choose for yourself. You can grow, and be strong, and find new shores, and write songs all for yourself, even if you have someone else by your side. Don’t tell yourself you can’t have that happiness just because you don’t think you deserve it.”

Nini just nods, unable to verbalize the gratitude and respect she feels for her best friend at this moment. Instead, all she says is, “Jeez, my best friend is so smart.”

“I said I was dismantling the patriarchy this year, didn’t I? It starts from here, baby.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> on this piece, more than any other, i would love love love to hear your thoughts.
> 
> i also wanted to mention that i hope it comes across clearly that i don't view kourtney as merely a mouthpiece for advice, as if she somehow only exists to dispense the answers to questions that are as complicated as the ones glossed over in this piece. no teenage girl has the answers to everything; no person ever does. but, i imagine that kourtney's interest in and passion for feminism would have given her more clarity/foundational knowledge from which to speak to nini about this stuff. unfortunately, based on the nature of how i set up this piece and basically used kourtney as my spokesperson, i feel like she may have come off as the token best friend again... idk i hope that the words i've had her speak in this piece are at least words that you'd find believable coming out of her mouth, based on her character. in any case, please please please let me know how you felt about her characterization so i can improve and treat her with the respect she deserves.
> 
> the complex relationship between women and the world is hardly something that can be covered in a oneshot, and i don't really think i've articulated my thoughts well in this one anyway, because i kind of ran out of steam at the end and just started completely word-vomitting, but oh well. if ur interested in learning more about feminist theory, i would recommend some of the classic seminal stuff by audre lorde, bell hooks, judith butler, marilyn frye, etc. margaret atwood also has some great essays that aren't directly about feminism but speak about feminism through science fiction. also, andi zeisler has a cool book called "we were feminists once: the selling of a political movement" that talks about co-optation of feminism by capitalism... aaaaaaaand i could go on. 
> 
> last but not (by far) least, thank you for reading!!


End file.
